Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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