I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
