Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
