ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize