guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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