She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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