Cold hands, warm shart.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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