Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
