I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
