This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
