youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
