Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
