The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
