the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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