I met the friendliest cop last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
