I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize