Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
