my phone needs a breathalizer
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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