just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
