Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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