i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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