Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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