he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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