TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
