I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
