And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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