just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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