I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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