You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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