Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
