There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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