Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
