it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
