i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize