there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
