im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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