Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
