I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
