Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
