I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
