She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It's blow job season.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize