My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize