I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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