Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
