got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
