btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
