i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
