i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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