Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
