I just cut my nipple shaving
no, he came in my armpit
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize