So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Houston, we have a blender
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
