I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
