I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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