Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
